Article Bookmarked
Bookmark Removed

Six Attitudes Parents Should Instill in Their Young Athletes


Jan. 10, 2019 Psychology Today

When most people in the sports world think of sport psychology, they think of mental training, that is, helping athletes prepare mentally to perform their best when it matters most. Mental muscles that help athletes strengthen include motivation, confidence, intensity, and focus. And mental tools I help athletes to put in their mental toolboxes include self-talk, routines, and imagery. This mental training is certainly important for athletes on the day of a competition. And it is certainly a key part of my work with athletes with the emphasis on ensuring that their minds are as prepared as their bodies to perform their best.

At the same time, an often-neglected area of sport psychology begins well before athletes’ arrival at competitive venue. I’m talking about the attitudes that they hold about themselves, competition, and results. Attitudes are so important to sports success because they are the filters that guide what athletes think, the emotions they feel, how they respond to their sport, and, ultimately, how they perform on game day.

The problem is that attitudes can be healthy and helpful or unhealthy and interfering to athletes’ aspirations and efforts. The primary reason parentssend their young athletes to me is because their attitudes toward competing are acting as anchors that weigh them down rather than wings that lift them up. The focus of much of this work involves helping athletes develop attitudes that propel them forward to performing their best.

Having the “right” attitude or a “positive” attitude has become almost cliché in their sports culture. The real question is what specific attitudes must athletes have to perform their best and accomplish their competitive goals. This post will share with you six attitude “forks in the road” that can either set athletes up for inspiring success or disheartening failure.

Life or Death

Let me share a metaphor that, though a bit politically sensitive, is nonetheless very descriptive of this distinction between life or death. Imagine that, just before your young athletes enter a competition, a man with a gun approaches them and says, “If you don’t win, I’m going to here after and I’m going to shoot you dead.” What kind of emotions do you think your athletes will experience? Terror! And how will they likely perform? Well, like they were scared to death, that is, poorly. Now, of course there will be no one at the end of a competition who will shoot them physically dead. I’m talking about a different kind of death, namely, a sort of psychological and emotional death that includes athletes’ self-identities (who they see themselves as), self-esteem (whether they feel valued), and goals, hopes, and dreams (all they aspire to be). With a life-or-death attitude, every time athletes enter a competition, they are putting their psychic lives on the line. In this situation, there is someone at the end who they think will shoot their “soul” dead. Who might that person be? Sadly, it is often their parents, though it can also be coaches or, just as painfully, the athletes themselves.

You want your athletes to see sports as about life, not death, in which their sport is inspiring, exciting, fulfilling, joyful, and fun. These feelings are fuel for their passion for their sport (while fear, frustration, anger, sadness, and despair drain their fuel tank). You also want your children’s sports to be an important part of their lives, but not life itself. With this “life” attitude, when your kids experience success, they will feel the energizing power of their efforts. And when they fail (which they will inevitably will; that’s just a part of sports and life), they will feel disappointment, but they will survive. No matter what happens, they will know that they will be okay. If athletes can accept this “life” attitude deep down, they will be free to perform with confidence, commitment, and courage rather than with worry, doubt, anxiety.

Challenge or Threat

I have found that a simple distinction appears to lie at the heart of whether athletes are able to rise to the occasion and perform their best when it really counts or crumble under the weight of expectations and tough conditions on the day of a competition: Do they view the competition as a threat or a challenge.

What happens when athletes approach a competition as a threat. Physiologically, their muscles tighten up, they breathing gets shallow, their balance goes back, and their center of gravity rises. Psychologically, their motivation is to flee from the threat. Their confidence plummets. Emotionally, they feel fear, helplessness, and despair. In sum, everything both physically and mentally goes against athletes, making it virtually impossible for them to overcome the threat and find success in their sport. Where does threat come from? Most powerfully, from a fear of failure (more on that shortly).

A challenge reaction produces an entirely different set of responses. Physiologically, they are fired up, but also relaxed, with just the right amount of adrenaline to make them feel strong, quick, and fast. Muscles are loose, breathing is steady, and balance is centered. Psychologically, athletes’ singular motivation is to overcome the challenge. They are confident that they can surmount the challenges of the competition. Their focus is like a laser beam on the challenge before them. As for emotions, they feel excitement, inspiration, pride, and courage. In sum, their entire physical and psychological being is directed toward triumphing over the challenge and their chances of finding success are high. The important thing for athletes to understand is that threat vs. challenge is all in their minds, about how they perceive it.

Success or Failure

Fear of failure is epidemic among young people in our achievement-obsessed culture. Interestingly though, athletes aren’t afraid of failure so much as the consequences they attach to failure, most often, that their parents won’t love them, their friends won’t like them, it will have been a waste of time and money, it will mean an end to their sports dreams. Fear of failure preoccupies their minds so much that they actually don’t focus on success, and what it takes to achieve it, at all. Their singular goal is to avoid failure (read my four-part series for more on fear of failure). The irony is that fear of failure causes athletes to experience the very thing that is most scary for them, namely, failure.

In contrast, athletes without a fear of failure are solely driven to perform their best to pursue the successful achievement of their goals. To experience success, these athletes are focused on:

  • Improving.
  • Giving their best effort.
  • Going all out.
  • Having fun.
  • Making progress toward their goals.

Not surprisingly, when athletes focus on pursuing success rather than avoiding failure, they are more likely to perform well and get the results they want.

Click read more for other important attitudes.

Read More on Psychology Today

Gene Upshaw Player Assistance Trust Fund

Apply Today

All Resources

Tell Me More

Is Getting Kids to Eat Good Food Even Possible?

You’re not alone. The struggle is real, and can be very stressful.

Read More

6 Tips to Avoid Valentine’s Day Traps

Whatever you do, be real. Authenticity is romantic.

Read More

A Year-Long Valentine: Love, Forgiveness, and Gratitude

Instead of focusing on one day, think about long term goals and expectations.

Read More

What Keeping Secrets Does to Your Marriage

The average person keeps roughly 13 secrets. Each has consequences on you, your partner, and your marriage.

Read More

12 States That Won't Tax Your Retirement Income

You’ve worked hard to retire. Make sure you know where your savings is going.

Read More

Here’s one financial resolution people plan to keep in 2019

Are you paying off your credit card bill every month?

Read More

Sleep apnea may stop you from forming life memories

There could be a strong link between sleep apnea and depression.

Read More

Fixed vs. Growth: The Two Basic Mindsets That Shape Our Lives

The view you adopt for yourself profoundly affects the way you lead your life.

Read More