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9 Things I Wish I Knew Before Getting Separated From My Wife


May. 2, 2018 Fatherly

My 8-year-old talks superpowers the way some men talk sports stats. His favorite question involves which superhuman ability I’d take should every power suddenly become available. My go-to reply is the ability to gorge on food without gaining a pound. It’s not quite a superpower but ask any man over 40, and they’d choose super metabolism over super hearing every damn time. The real superhuman gift I’d wish for after a radioactive spider bite or gamma ray bath is the ability to see into the future. It would make life a hell of a lot easier to foresee the consequences of my decisions — particularly that of separating from my wife.

Separating from my wife was a sad and scary process but the decision was, ultimately, a smart one. That said, there have been more than a few bumps in the road that I wasn’t ready for or simply didn’t see coming. Using my power of hindsight, which might be a superpower to some, here are some of the things I wish I knew before getting separated. I hope will serve as inspiration, or in some cases a warning, to others going through a split.

Everyone Chooses A Side
The hope of every separated or divorced person is that friends who were once close to both the husband and wife will stay friends with both. Nope. People pick sides. Sometimes the choice is obvious. Usually, the friends brought into the relationship or made during the marriage, stick with their original team though that’s not always the case. I choose to be kind to everyone, even the people who refuse to acknowledge my existence.

People Get Honest About Your Old Relationship
Telling people about the separation is suddenly an invitation for their opinion about my marriage, my ex, and assessments about where the union possibly went off the rails, in their eyes. Even though I remain tight-lipped about details, because it’s none of their damn business, people jump to conclusions based on a small sample size of interactions or peeks into the marriage. Suddenly, everyone has a psychology degree and dabbles in marriage counseling.

Separating Suddenly Makes You A Marriage Counselor
Breaking the news to friends elicited one of two reactions. Some seemed generally concerned about my well-being, how I’m handling the situation, how the kids are doing after the split and how they can be of assistance. Others unload all of their relationships issues on me. “I’m separated” sounds a lot like “how’s your marriage doing?” to some people. Maybe I should work on my pronunciation? I’m now privy to far too much information about the crumbling unions of friends, coworkers, and even the mailman.

People Will Try to Tell You What To Do
After being honest about my relationship, and sharing way too much about their own marital issues, people have told me what to do now that I’m single. Most suggestions are beneficial to my health (plan a trip) while others are ridiculous (move to a new town) and all seem to reflect what they’d do in my situation even though we’re not similar at all.

People are especially forthcoming now that I’m dating someone. They ask “Isn’t it too soon?” “Aren’t you worried about how the kids will take it?” and “Aren’t you afraid what people will think?” to which I answer, “No, not when it feels right.” “No, I’m not” and “No, screw people and their opinions about my life.”

It Takes Time For The New Place To Feel Like Home
I like my new apartment — except for the damn couch — but there are things I would have changed or added to the rental agreement that didn’t come up until it was too late. In an effort to get the place — it’s the ideal location, on the second floor, and situation in the quiet part of town near a park — I failed to notice a few major issues that should have been addressed before signing the paperwork. Little things like none of the windows working properly or the washer and dryer only handling one towel at a time.

Being Single Doesn’t Mean Being Lonely
The ex and I split in September 2017 but I didn’t find a place and move out until December of that year. For those three months, my visions of life as a single dad involved sitting alone in a living room eating takeout surrounded by only my stuff. It wasn’t true: Living alone doesn’t mean being lonely. In fact, I haven’t felt lonely at all. Sure, I miss my kids, but the rest of my downtime is dedicated to new writing projects, working out (I’m training for a Tough Mudder), reading more and filling the time working side hustles and starting every project I’ve put off for the past few years.

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