There’s a difference between putting your foot in your mouth and pulling the pin on a hand grenade that can completely blow up your relationship. This is an important distinction to understand: Happy couples fight because of course they do. But they learn what they shouldn’t say in the heat of the moment. Out of respect, they understand what lines shouldn’t be crossed.
“Over time, partners learn about what to say that is acceptable and unacceptable, as well as where the line exists between the two,” says Andrew Aaron, LICSW, a marriage counselor, sex therapist and relationship therapist. He says that successful couples draw a strong line that they refuse to cross regarding respect, and that they will not act or talk disrespectfully to each other. “But for couples who have not been able to maintain their happiness, perhaps because mutual hurtfulness has eroded their goodwill or sufficient resentment has accumulated, they act from their pain with an intent to hurt the other.”
In any relationship, there are lines drawn that should not be crossed. Those in committed, happy relationships understand this. But, as a refresher course is always helpful, we consulted with a variety of relationship experts to get a sense of the phrases that couples in happy relationships should never pull out in a marriage.
This is a belittling phrase, but it also operates on the assumption that you are in the right and your partner is wrong, adding an element of invalidation as well. In short, assumes that however they are feeling is childish or wrong. A big mistake. “This will weaken your partners’ self-esteem,” says Shar Fuller, Relationship Expert & Co-Founder of the matchmaking service Mai Tai, “and if your ratio of positive and kind behaviors to negative interactions is out of kilter —five-to-one balance is what you’re aiming for — you won’t have a positive balance on your emotional bank account.”
“This is your fault.”
Whenever something goes wrong, there’s a natural instinct to try and figure out what happened and why. This tends to lead to the assignation of blame, and most people’s first instinct is not to point the finger at themselves. However, if you start laying it all at your partner’s feet, then all you are doing is fostering resentment and anger. “Accusatory language makes us emotive and the logical explanation that you’re seeking will not suffice,” says Fuller. “Avoid shifting blame or making conclusions based on your limited experience to prevent a buildup of resentment.”
Phrases like this tend to come out of a buildup of pain and bitterness that has accumulated over time. If you do not address the root of these emotions, they will come out in these contemptuous attacks. “Unresolved, pain will run the relationship and these phrases are simply symptoms of internalized pain and anger,” says Aaron. “For some partners of troubled relationships, what they say may be a carry-over from the culture of their family of origin or injuries caused in prior relationships. The internalized pain of partners has not always been accumulated from within the present relationship.”