Indeed, partners in healthy relationships and marriages make a habit of doing things that, quite simply, they think will please the other person.
“Happily married couples think of ways to make the other person happy without being asked,” says Raffi Bilek, a marriage counselor and the director of the Baltimore Therapy Center. “If one of them is out and about and sees a bake sale, he goes over and checks if they have any chocolate éclairs, because he knows his partner loves chocolate éclairs. If she hears about a woodworking show in town, she takes a picture of the flyer so she can tell him about later because he totally into woodworking.”
While pastries and palm sander demonstrations might not be your bag, the truth remains: “Both partners have each other’s needs and interests top of mind, and they keep them there — without being asked.”
Terry Klee, a leading scholar of contemporary couples counseling in New York and Connecticut, agrees. She notes that it’s important to keep this awareness even when your spouse isn’t around.
“One of the key traits in close to 80 percent of men and women was how often they are carrying their partner around in their mind. How much real estate they give to them,” she says. “You never want to be in that 20 percent. I always found that to be a very interesting statistic. You ask people, ‘How often do you think of Susan?’ or ‘How often do you think of Joe?’ and, if they say ‘Not much,’ track that friend’s marriage, because it’s probably not going to last.”
With this in mind, what can couples do to make sure their partners know their significant other is thinking of them? Here, per relationship experts, are eight simple gestures all strong couples make.
1. They Pay Compliments
A simple, “You look nice today” or “Dinner was delicious” can make a huge difference in a marriage. “We all want and need [compliments] from those who we love most,” says Caleb Backe, a Health and Wellness Expert for Maple Holistics. “We want to know we are still liked, loved, and thought of.”
2. They Express Thanks
When your partner does something for you, say thank you. It sounds simple but, per Klee, this behavior goes away because partners tend to take the other person for granted. (“Well, of course he took out the trash, that’s what he’s supposed to do.”) Neglecting basic manners, however, can catch up to couples if they’re not careful. “Saying ‘thank you’ costs nothing,” says Klee. “Not saying ‘thank you’ can cost everything. Because it kind of accumulates, that feeling of not being appreciated.”
3. They Take on a Chore for the Other
After a long day of work and parenting, coming home to a full sink of dirty, caked-on dishes can be enough to defeat even the most stalwart mom or dad. The experts suggest taking it off your partner’s shoulders and giving him or her a break for the night. Even better, don’t tell them you did it and let them come home to a wonderful surprise. “Taking something off each other’s plate shows that you appreciate your partner’s hard work and want to help them and allow them time to unwind after a hard day,” says Vikki Ziegler, a renowned relationship expert, divorce attorney, author of The Pre-Marital Planner.
4. They Apologize When They Screw Up
When you’re wrong, don’t think twice about admitting it. “This isn’t true all the time,” says Backe, “but a happily married couple is one which — in my estimation — has been through a lot, has fought enough times, and now already knows enough to apologize to each other.”
5. They Do Something That De-Stresses the Other
A simple, out of the blue gesture shows that you recognize how hard they work and that they need to do something to unwind. More than that, it lets them know that you see all that they contribute to the marriage, and that can work wonders for you both. “Set up a bubble bath, light some candles, and really show that their happiness and self-care is a priority to you,” says Ziegler.